What really made an impact in my life...

It was missions Sunday at church today. That, coupled with the fact that I have started reading Fox's Book of Martyrs, really made my heart prayerful for those who love Jesus in other parts of the world and are willing to risk it all for the sake of the gospel.

At church two weeks ago, I prayed a prayer that I haven't been willing to pray in a while, "Lord, ALL that I have and ALL that I am...I am Yours! Whatever it takes, I pray that I love nothing more than You...not my family, husband, children, health, comforts, friends, finances...anything in this life that I am tempted to treasure the most or esteem as my hope, trust, or heart's desire." It actually scares me to pray that, because, in that moment, I have to acknowledge that I am NOT God and I do not have utter control of my days on this earth (nor the days of my children). When I pray it, I admit, "God, if Your plan is for me to have cancer, so be it. God, if my husband loses his job, so be it. If you take the lives of my children before me, so be it. If we end up without a house with no money in the back, so be it. If it pleases You and somehow brings You glory, I am willing." Now, it doesn't mean I am asking for any of those things or that it is His plan for any of those things to happen in my life...but, if they should, I will trust Him. Today, I prayed that prayer again, without fear, but with joy.

The fear that comes from not having control is followed by the joy that comes from knowing the God who is in control. Seriously, when I stop and look at myself, would I want God to let me have control? NO WAY! He is God, and that is good. I was reminded of the simple truth that was shared with me in high school. "God loved us so much that He gave His only Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life." Sure, sure...heard that one 1000 times. True. But when was the last time you "heard" it? When was the last time that it made you excited for heaven, amazed by grace, motivated to serve Him in any capacity, humbled by His love, saddened by the pain He suffered, eager to share that news with someone who has yet to hear it...or yet to truly "hear" it, though you have told them 100 times?

I love Jesus. He first loved me, and I love Him back. I pray that I never lose Him as my first love and that He faithfully does whatever it takes in my life to keep Himself as my number one. I pray that I live each day, each moment, with my prayer being, "What now Lord? I am ready. I am eager. Whatever it is I will do because I love You. Just direct me and I will..." I pray that I would be joyful in all of that. I pray that I have a heart for the lost. I pray that I don't get focused on the "American Dream." I pray that I love His word more every day, that I would devour it, hide it in my heart, that it would change me, and that the good news would never feel like "old news."

With missions on the heart, I know that God has us here for now. I have been on short term missions when I was in high school that changed my life. My plan was to go there and change the world, help the needy, and impact lives. Mine, in fact, was the world that was changed, the helpless one who received help and grace, and my life was forever impacted by those who I was intending to help. When building houses in Mexico (which, by American standards would not even be considered fit to house our car or lawnmower and gardening tools), I was struck by the joy and gratitude the people had for the little things. When we put on a roof, one lady bought every person on the team a soda, when she couldn't even afford the 15 cents per day it cost to send her children to school. Just when I was about to pat myself on the back for leading a day of Vacation Bible School and passing out a snack to children who saw it as a luxury, I was humbled my a little boy who offered me the very orange he had saved from VBS, hours later, as he sat next to me in the field while I was reading my Bible. I felt like we were the ones being generous, giving up our spring breaks to come and work in the dirt...at first. God really showed me what generosity truly is when I was there. It turns out, I didn't go there to give at all...I was very much on the receiving end. The same Jesus who loves me loves those families in Mexico. Just because they have dirt floors, no running water, no electricity, and a hole in the ground as a toilet, doesn't mean they are poor.

It is Christ who makes us rich. He is our treasure. I know that this, one of the "wealthiest" nations in the world (sadly, with one if the easiest means to hear the gospel message via a local church or even the internet), is one of the truly poorest. It reminds me that I have an opportunity to share with my neighbors. I just need to keep loving Jesus and love my neighbors as myself. As for now, He has us here. So I ask Him, "Lord, what now? I am willing!"