Confessions...

Confessions of a generally pessimistic stressoholic:

**I lay awake thinking and planning. This plays out in ridiculous ways. I remember laying in bed thinking through school options for Isaac's kindergarten...he was a newborn. I make lists upon lists in my head of what I need for events that are months away. I see the event in my head and play out all the "what if" scenarios...I do this several nights because I don't put the mental list on paper and fear that I may have forgotten something. I plan A...then B...then C...then a few back-up plans, just in case. The ironic part is that the actual thing often ends up being executed in a way that was not even close to any of my plans and the back-ups never even applied.

**I try to put everything in a box. This can be anything...what order I expect the left-overs to be eaten in the fridge, how I anticipate someone to react to something, how my kids will act...I will plan a "creative" craft for the kids but expect that they do it "this way." I am not kidding; I do it with train track layouts, play-dough sculptures, paintings, and even how we have tea parties. In my mind, trying to keep the situation in a box, it will make things easier, cleaner, more efficient, and "better." In reality, it can hinder creativity, imagination and the pure enjoyment of the activity. In attempt to have an "organized" method of sending lunches to work with my husband, I probably can make a good tasting meal taste bitter with my insistence on him eating "this first" when it could be eaten the next day.

**I anticipate the worst case scenario. With that, I pack extra snacks, clothes, and whatever else I may need...just in case. I spend so much time doing that, it is not uncommon that I become so overwhelmed that I forget the load of stuff I got together and left by the door. If I do remember it, it is also not uncommon that I am simply weighted down with all the stuff that I never even needed to use. What is worse is that I end up finding snacks or sandwiches in the backpack that I "needed just in case" from our last trip that I have to throw away as I pack for that day's new "just in case."

**I feel like we have to "do it all" to make something worth it. This can play out in subtle ways like reading ALL the 100 books I checked out at the library, when the kids really just wanted me to reread one they really liked. I push through just to finish and can miss the whole point. In more obvious ways, I can be somewhere like Disneyland, have my action plan ready to hit every ride that I already have previously researched (and am convinced that the kids will be able to ride and will want to go on), and will not rest until we have ridden them all. As we are on the ride, I am planning the quickest route to the next ride instead of enjoying my kids' faces while they experience that ride. I miss the moment. I miss the joy. Instead of asking, "Wasn't that ride awesome?" when they get off, I am saying, "Come on! Hurry! Let's get to...We don't want to miss..."

**I fear that I am not giving everything I can to be the best...This makes me unbearable and inconsistent very often. When I think my kids are not getting enough outdoor time, I am pushing them out the door (even when it is a good day to be at home). When I think they are not eating the best, I engulf myself in new recipes. If I think they are struggling with numbers, it becomes all we talk about for days. When I am concerned about their time in God's word, I won't let them read any library books until they hear a Bible story first. The worst part of all this is they are probably wondering what Mom's focus will be today. It changes, sometimes daily. It leaves them now knowing what to expect. I also do this with family, friends, ministry, and even myself. I get so scared that I am not giving my best at ________ (whatever, fill in the blank), that I become obsessive with it and throw all my energy into whatever I think needs attention or improvement. It is exhausting, confusing, exasperating, and generally ineffective.

**I fear losing control. This leaves me doing things like planning what will happen if I die (but far beyond just being practical and getting life insurance). I discuss with Chris what I would like done with our family pictures and who will pick the kids up from school. Why in the world will it even matter? I think it is helping my family to have control of a situation. Somehow I feel that it will be easier for them if it is all "under control" with that I have laid out for them. In reality, it wastes time and energy of today trying to control a tomorrow that may never come. I rob today of joy and forget the One who has control.

Romans 7:15
For what I am doing,  do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.

Lord, I am so tired. I am tired of trying to take control when I never really have it...and never will.  I can do all things..."I," not remembering "through Christ who strengthens me." I am tired of my sin. I am exhausted! Help me to be less and You to me more. Help me to remember that You are in control...You. Turn my planning brain into a praying brain. Help me to enjoy the moments. Help me not to assume the "worst" will happen. Help me to stop seeking after comfort so much that I miss the joy in trails when they come. Help me not to try to put your plan for me in a box. Give me wisdom to be diligent with the time and resources you give me each day without making the time and resources my hope. Help me to love you most...not this life or anything in it. Help me to focus on You, Your goodness, Your grace, and what pleases You. Use my personality to bring You glory, not rob You of it. I know you can do it. When my fists are clenched tightly to the wheel, help me to open my hands and let go. You are God. I am not. Help me not to forget. Thank You for allowing me to be tired in my own strength. Thank You for showing me my weakness and desiring to make me strong...with YOUR strength.

2 Corinthians 12:9,10
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

James 4:13-16
Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.  Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil.

Phil 4:6,7
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Proverbs 3:5,6

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
   and lean not on your own understanding;
 in all your ways submit to him,
   and he will make your paths straight.

 Matthew 11:28-30
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JiHSDcx_3IE